How to obtain a girlfriend in 3 hours and then lose her an hour later

It’s all about cracking the ‘pulling equation’. Take into account the amount of targets per square metre in a particular location, then divide the price of an average single spirit, with mixer, with the average spending of the targets in the location. This will give you a figure you can begin to work with. For example 30 pound divided by one pound 50 will give you twenty as the ‘number’. Twenty is the amount of single measure spirit’s the target will consume. If we assume that 5 is the number that ensures intoxication, then 20 seriously increases your chances of being surrounded by intoxicated targets. Take the ‘number’ and multiply it by the amount of targets per square metre and you will have your ‘pulling figure’ for the night. There are obviously several anomalies that must be taken into account, the location, the atmosphere, the percentage of the alcohol among many other factors.

Now I have dealt with the Science/ Maths, lets begin with the real quiz. How to bag yourself the target. We all find ourselves in the same situation, knowing that the person we are 4/5ths of the time talking to, is generally a couple of leagues below our estimated expectations we have when we are not consuming alcohol. We generally can’t see ourselves holding hands with them watching Wicked at the theatre, or throwing a Frisbee with them on Brighton beach. However after 7 (Using the number explained in the first paragraph) these are not the thoughts that come to the forefront of our mind. Tits, Face (what you can see of it), and what your friends think are generally the primary thoughts at the beginning of meeting the target. Don’t be too forward with the target within the first 10 minutes, you are only likely to make yourself look promiscuous, and give the target the impression you don’t want to hear about why their friend is crying in the toilet or other trivial conversation ‘pieces’. Launch what I like to call the ‘subtly arrogant charm offensive’. Look slightly occupied, perhaps glancing over the targets shoulder at a fictitious friend, or receive a phantom text whilst keeping one eye on the targets malleable lips, and nod rhythmically, but not so much that you resemble Churchill the dog.

The targets acquaintances, are another essential stepping stone in the pursuit of ‘the pull’. A friend that’s mean, is a friend not keen. The target, 90 percent of the time, will consult an acquaintance to gain the ‘seal of approval’. Even if the target is a 4/10 they will still have more available options than you. This is an undisputable fact. Hence you will not only have to launch a charm offensive on them, but on their acquaintances too, unless you are the ‘James Dean’ of the location, then you will have the roles reversed. However the ‘James Dean’ of the club is still only the equivalent to the ‘Macy Gray’, in terms of potential success rate. Simply, the ‘Macy Gray’ has the same chance of ‘pulling’ as the ‘James Dean‘, because of Gender expectancy.

Once you have charmed the acquaintances, perhaps with a ‘body pop’ or a round of sambuca’s, you have the unwritten right to go in for the coup de gras, the piece de resistance…tonguing. This is essentially the culmination of all the hard graft from the tracks you have laid circa 2 hours ago. To know the perfect timing for the ‘lean in’ is fairly important, not critical, but just fairly important. There can be no hesitation, hesitation just leads to contemplation, and if you contemplate for too long then you may aswell psychologically ejaculate over the targets face, that’s how awkward it can become. Just read the signals. Flirting whilst cutting some shapes and constant eye contact are two key signals. It has got to be an instantaneous motion, no pauses and keep the mouth closed until lips doth touch.

Once the target has been breached, you can attempt to take things to the next level, base 2, maybe a finger in the clunge. However never immediately say what I have, after the first kiss,

“Does that make you my girlfriend now."